While I do not consider myself a very “special” person, I do consider myself a very “blessed” person. I have been the recipient of a lot of benefits from the family members who came BEFORE me. If I do have anything at all to contribute (not “unique” but maybe just unusual?), it is that I am willing to try many things without any ‘certainty’ of outcomes. Like a good friend once said: “Joe just doesn’t know when to quit.”
Let us begin with the circumstances beyond my control. My Maternal Grandfather boarded a boat in Naples, Italy at 16 years-old to sail and Legally-Immigrate to Bridgeport, Connecticut by way of Ellis Island. He did this so as to escape the horrors in Europe of World War I. He worked in a “sweatshop” in order to save his money, send for a wife and have three children. Later, he used his entrepreneurial “ingenuity” to provide an ‘upward’ piece of the American Dream for his family.
My Paternal Grandfather made a similar journey, but he had more brawn than brains, so he financially suffered much more during the Great Depression. He survived with a “bull-like” resolve and a whole lot of faith in the “promises” of the good ole U.S. of A. As a result, all six of his sons (including my Navy Dad) enlisted in various branches of the armed services to fight the Nazis or the Imperialists for the world’s “Freedom and Justice.”
In addition to World War II, My Dad used his ‘back’ (he had truly little schooling) to make a living for his three kids along with the equally-hard-work of his “homemaker”/secretary wife for 60 years of staying together through “thick & thin”. They certainly ‘sacrificed’ for the benefit of their children’s “upward mobility.” They wanted a “single-family” house but bought a “three-family” one so they could get the ‘help’ of two other (reduced) rents from both sets of parents. This less-than-private arrangement was necessary as being the ONLY way to afford the mortgage. This, all the while having to walk-up three ”flights” of stairs to our third-floor apartment. My Dad always liked new cars, but he chose to drive old ones in order to save for our colleges. He was a “clothes-horse” but had to wear an ugly uniform at work. My Mom wanted to live close to her extended family but had to live over an hour away.
Certainly, these were not the biggest ‘hardships’ of immigrants nor atypical of the sacrifices made by any of those people trying to get up the ‘ladder’ of American opportunities. As a result, my family learned the “Rules of the Dream” and played by those rules. All three of us kids achieved the level of “Upper Middle Class” status and continue ‘pushing’ for our children to do even “better.” We did this by continuing the lessons learned from our ancestors and assimilating the values of hard work, gratification deferral and dedication to our, tremendously-valued United States’ citizenship.
So, what are those lessons specifically? From Maternal Family: the wisdom of a two-thousand-year-old Italian Culture in which you have the ‘courage’ to change as situations dictate (education is key to this process). You do NOT ever change, however, those foundational values of trust; internal truth; personal feelings; human respect; your word-as-bond; and the priorities of Family/God/Country.
From Paternal Family: no one ever died from “hard work” and life IS hard work in order to accept substitutes sometimes; remain devoted to the idea of sharing unselfishly with others; keeping the faith and finally, THE believing in something ‘bigger’ than oneself (irrespective of religion) which enables said hard work. Also, “looking on the bright side” is a “choice” totally within our own ‘control.’
So, when my parents struggled to send us to college, I was not going to let them ‘down’ no matter how uncomfortable it was for a “first-generation” student surrounded among university-level families. I did not complain about cafeteria food, freshman dorm accommodations, long, cold walks to lecture halls, any classes or my professors. This was easier because I never forgot the stories of immigrant name-calling, food ‘insecurity’ or tired, aching bodies.
The same was true in my jobs after graduation. While my more ‘spoiled’ colleagues had complaints about hours, bosses, clients and “cubicles,” I remembered how much worse it could be? When I transitioned to the world of academia, I tried to resist taking the ‘bait’ of political infighting because I was able to appreciate how good it was vis-à-vis the “dog-eat-dog” corporate world of continual competition for “profits.”
When everyone was ‘polarized’ (either move to Canada or justify Agent Orange infant-killing) by personally questioning America during the Vietnam era, I tried to remain ‘balanced’ and circumspect in my thinking. This, as opposed to some like Jerry Rubin who went ‘extreme’ from Yippie to Wall Street businessman. When many complained vociferously no matter who was President/Governor, I attempted to accept the fact that I usually got 75%-80% of what I wanted/needed no matter WHO was “in office.” That percentage always seemed to be ‘fair’ enough for me while 100% seemed to be too much of a ‘painful’ and unrealistic expectation in which to aspire.
I always lived below my means whether inflation was 1.7% or 17% and I avoided the temptation of debt/credit almost exclusively. Our family believed in saving up for what we needed and not buying anything that we could NOT afford. This is not to say that I never made mistakes (I made a shitload) rather that when I did, the ‘lessons’ of my ancestors served me very well through any ‘extremes’ with which my fellow citizens were struggling. Maybe it was nothing more than, “maintaining a positive/optimistic attitude?” My ‘glass’ was usually “half-full!”
Even though I experienced a number of major life challenges, by-and-large I was able to turn those “lemons into lemonade.” Not because of luck, skill or brilliance on my part, but more through the “perspective” acquired from my family about best dealing with how life really works. They had endured the much worse “lemons” of immigration, wars and economic collapses, yet persevered.
When I was “downsized” from a job, I re-invented my career; when I was ‘outsourced’ from a relationship, I looked inward at my own culpability to “change” (and did not blame the ‘other’); when my inner/higher intelligence ‘told’ me to have a family, I chose to become a Dad at a “grandfather’s” age. Again, no credit to me but all the credit to those who learned (sic) me.
The point being that many might choose to evaluate things like leaving one’s “home” country as a teenager, fighting in a foreign war abroad or financial poverty in the short-term. I am living proof that my ancestors paid the price for MY enabled, ultimate and inculcated success. So, one of life’s most important choices is to seriously consider the short-term versus long-term payoff? I seem to experience that most 21st century Americans opt for the “bird-in-the-hand” strategy without the desire, ability and/or willingness to ‘play’ the long ‘game’ bet.
I do not think that there is anything wrong with the ‘system’ of “The American Dream.” It has not changed, nor has there been any reason for it to change. One comes to The United States, one starts out at the ‘bottom,’ and one works his/her way ‘up’ from one generation to the next through dedication and sacrifice. Since it is not “broken,” there is absolutely no need to “fix” it. What needs to be “fixed” is the understanding by NEW immigrants of how things ‘worked/work/will always work’ in America?
Balance, compromise, acceptance and middle-ground objectives have seemed to be very unpopular among those who consider me “old-fashioned,” “UN-fun,” “naïve,” “gullible,” or worse. I can only take solace in two things: Number 1: I believe I am “right” and Number 2: this is pretty much the EXACT example that Jesus Christ came to earth to “model” for us. I guess I should also give a “tip-of-the-hat” to the teachings of my Catholic spirituality as well, lest I forget. It is really hard to try to follow a “Christian” example knowing that each and every day, I will fall short, but I do not know of any better/other way to proceed.
Please follow my next blog as I will try to shed a little ‘light’ on the American situations that have gone from one extreme to the other extreme and has caused much trouble except for those people who believe that “The Middle Ground is the Hallowed Ground.”